First thing in the morning I check my e-mail—clearing away the usual messages from my friends and family, but never seeing the e-mail I want. Then I go to the news websites and check them over carefully. Not there either. I copy and past a few stories into my blog and make comments, but keep looking. Then it is on to the TV and radio news, but the reports aren’t interesting to me.
I wait a few hours, tentatively cleaning the house, taking care of children then, at the naptime of my little-ones, I’m back at it. The e-mail, the news sites, the TV and radio. I’m not satisfied. I find myself thinking about the news while I am loading the dishwasher, making beds, taking my children to the park. I am happy when, a few hours later, I do it again—but never find satisfaction.
I didn’t understand that I was doing these “rounds” so often or so carefully until last week when my children were home for break. “How many times a day do you do that?” my teenage son asked when he saw me checking the news sites.
“I don’t know,” I admitted, “Maybe five times a day?”
“More like five times an hour,” he said, exaggerating slightly. “What are you looking for, stuff for your newsblog?
“Sometimes, but most of the time I’m just reading the news.”
“Really? It looks like you are searching for something. Why don’t you just save your time and Google it?”
That was when it hit me, I am not just “reading the news,” I am looking for something in the news that is never there, so I keep looking. I am obsessed with searching.
Actually, my search is pretty broad. Every day, when I go to my e-mail, news sites, TV and radio news:
- I’m looking for the government of Israel to fight back against rocket attacks.
- I’m looking for some legitimately strong diplomatic response to the smuggling of rockets and explosives from Egypt, Jordan, Lebanon, Syria, and/or Iran.
- I’m looking for someone to stop the release of arab terrorist prisoners who have directly or indirectly caused the deaths of innocent Jews.
- I’m looking for the “religious” parties in the Knesset to dissolve this illegitimate and corrupt Olmert government.
- I’m looking for the Jews of Judea and Sumaria and the expelled Jews of Gush Katif to organize themselves, form a real coalition, and elicit funds to oppose Olmert. (I would start with a strong public relations campaign to educate the Israeli populace about the dangers of removing Jews from Jewish land.)
- I’m looking for some real opposition to the idea of Jerusalem being divided.
- I’m looking for evidence (any evidence at all) that Israel is a sovereign nation of laws and not the puppet regime of an arab-loving lame-duck US president.
- I’m looking for the publication of the long delayed Winograd Report (remember how it was supposed to be released in April of 2007?)
- I’m looking for an acknowledgement of the corruption rampant in the judiciary—especially the supreme court.
- I’m looking for the government to take responsibility for returning our Temple Mount to Jewish sovereignty.
- I’m looking for the state to start realizing that Hevron has been, is, and always will be Jewish.
- I’m looking for the end of excuses and the beginning of action.
Now you can see why I could never write my query in a form concise enough for a Google search. If I could boil it down, I guess I could say that I am looking for “any evidence that Israel can put together a reasonable response to terrorism.”
I’m searching for that evidence every day, every hour. I check often to make sure I don’t miss the evidence when it comes, but I am never satisfied.
I wonder how many other people are as obsessed with finding that tiny clue to Israeli sovereignty, pride, and passion as I am; and I wonder how many people share my real-time, moment by moment disappointment.
Jews are truly a nation of talkers and dreamers. We love to discuss things endlessly. We think of a thousand ways that things can go wrong. We worry, we dream, and we plan.
All of this is expected. I see it every day, and I don’t regard any of it as real news. I am waiting for the moment when we will take our future into our hands. I am obsessed with finding the the moment when we change from a nation of talkers and dreamers to a nation of doers.