Friday, December 4, 2009

Just for fun: The Jewish Husband Store

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If you are a regular reader, you might have noticed I haven't posted for a few days. I'm a professor, and it's finals week! EEK!

I need something light, so I have revised the widely circulated “New Husband Store” e-mail for a religious Jewish audience. I hope you like it!


Michelle Nevada
The Jewish Husband Store

A store that sells new Jewish husbands has opened in New York City , where a Jewish woman may go to choose a Jewish husband. Among the instructions at the entrance is a description of how the store operates:

You may visit this store ONLY ONCE! There are seven floors and the value of the products increase as the shopper ascends the flights.

The shopper may choose any item from a particular floor, or may choose to go up to the next floor, but she cannot go back down except to exit the building!

So, a Jewish woman goes to the Jewish Husband Store to find a husband. On the first floor the sign on the door reads:

Floor 1 - These men are well learned and pray with great kavona.

She is intrigued, but continues to the second floor, where the sign reads:

Floor 2 – These men are well learned, pray with great kavona, and Have Jobs.

'That's nice,' she thinks, 'but I want more.'

Floor 3 - These men are well learned, pray with great kavona, have jobs, and Love Kids.

So she continues upward. The forth floor sign reads:

Floor 4 - These men are well learned, pray with great kavona, have jobs, love kids, and are extremely Good Looking.

'Wow,' she thinks, but feels compelled to keep going.

She goes to the fifth floor and the sign reads:

Floor 5 - These men are well learned, pray with great kavona, have jobs, love kids, are good looking and Help With Housework.

'Oh, Baruch Hashm!' she exclaims, 'I can hardly stand it!'

Still, she goes to the sixth floor and the sign reads:

Floor 6 - These men are well learned, pray with great kavona, have jobs, love kids, are good looking, help with housework, and Have a Strong Romantic Streak.

She is so tempted to stay, but she goes to the seventh floor, where the sign reads:

Floor 7 - You are visitor 31,456. There are no Jewish men on this floor. This floor exists solely as proof that Jewish women are impossible to please. Thank you for shopping at the Jewish Husband Store.



To avoid gender bias charges, the store's owner opened a New Jewish Wives store just across the street.

The first floor has wives that are all under 25.

The second floor has wives that are all under 30, but have fathers with money.

The third, fourth, fifth and sixth floors have never been visited.

1 comment:

  1. Thanks for the informative/thoughtful post. I really enjoy your blog. I thought I'd share this...

    Good For The Jews with special guests DeLeon and comedians Morgan Murphy, Seth Herzog, and Rachel Sklar is happening at the Highline Ballroom tonight! It’s going to be a great time, hope to see you there!
    December 7, 2009
    Concert starts @ 8PM
    Doors open @ 6PM
    Tickets $15.00

    Discount code: GFTJ

    The hilarious music duo Good For the Jews bring their national tour to New York for a night of unorthodox music and comedy on December 7, the minus-fifth night of Hanukkah.


    Jewish music for people who don't like Jewish music.

    No songs about dreidels.

    And no Israeli folk-dancing.

    “Good For the Jews is a hilarious musical act. Don’t miss them.” National Public Radio

    “Like Sarah Silverman and Jon Stewart, Good For the Jews is wickedly hilarious.” Village Voice

    “Good For the Jews: a Jewish Flight of the Conchords.” Denver Westword

    “Like Adam Sandler with a few additional IQ points.” The Onion

    “Good For the Jews is part of the sharp new culture presented by such talents as Jon Stewart, Sacha Baron Cohen, and Sarah Silverman.” Washington Post

    DeLEON makes “Spanish-Jewish indie rock” by infusing 15th hcentury folk music with the entrancing cadences of the ancient Sephardic tradition. They have toured with Gogol Bordello and recently completed a 20-city tour with Brazilian legends Os Mutantes.

    MORGAN MURPHY has been a writer for the TV shows Crank Yankers and Jimmy Kimmel Live. She has performed standup comedy on Premium Blend and Last Call with Carson Daly, and is currently writing for Late Night with Jimmy Fallon.

    SETH HERZOG has appeared on Late Night with Conan O’Brien, Chappelle’s Show, and VH1’s Best Week Ever.


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